Star Warz: Trilogy 4
by The Compendium of Steve
Summary: In the wake of a catastrophe, a surprise romance comes to light amidst courtroom drama. Who's the lucky couple, and who would possibly object to their love? Well... you'll see. (Transcribed for your viewing pleasure by the wonderful overmind2000)
1. Episode 1

**Star Warz**

**Episode Justice:**

**Jedi Turnabout**

_It has been one year since the Cosplayer invasion. There has been no sign of the Contractor or any hostile beings since his defeat. We turn to a darkened Jawa Home, slowly turning on the dark side of some planet. A lone voice can be heard in space..._

?: So that's it, then? A chance for glory... Not like there's anything else to do. I just hope it makes a lasting impression.

(The station lights up and a huge beam is fired. We see it speed through space and then obliterate a faraway planet. Turn back to Jawa Home where we see a still-frame of a button labeled "Fire" depressed. Turn up to reveal the shocked face of Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk. All goes black, the title lights up, then goes black again. Turn to an apartment on Coruscant, where a vid-screen talks of the destruction of Wayland as the words **DAY 1 Private Suite 1:39 A.M**. types up. Turn to a table where Will, Sara, Anna, Cope, Jo and some Official guy are sitting around)

Anna: You're serious?

Off: I'm afraid so. One planet destroyed, along with thousands of inhabitants.

Jo: And it came from Jawa Home?

Off: Yes. Witnesses on three planets saw the beam come from the direction of Jawa Home. We've estimated it fired around 12:29 a.m. and have since sent investigators to it.

Will: So no word on who did it?

Cope: Should you really ask?

Off: Actually, he should. Upon arriving, a message announced that the owner was away on private business and was not available for questioning. Also since landing, we have gained access to the controls and are now moving the station closer here for better investigation.

Sara: But what about disrupting the crime scene?

Off: Oh, that's no major concern. The ship's computers logged the exact time and orbital position when it fired. Also, our forensic experts swept the control room and there was no trace of blood, hair, or prints anywhere. It's as if whoever pushed that button had done so without coercion.

Will: What about hacking? Could it have been fired anywhere else on the ship?

Off: No. You see, your friend the Jawa set up the system so the beam only can be fired from the control room. We did try to hack it just to be sure, but it was just a waste of time. And there was no evidence of any attempted hacks.

Jo: So what are the options?

Off: Well, first off we need to catch this crook. Our team got on there pretty fast so they shouldn't have had time to escape. Afterwards, we ask the owner some questions and move on to court. (Beeping) Oh, hold on. (Pulls out talkie) What's up? Um-hum. Really? That easy? Well good. Hold him until I get there. Over. (Puts away talkie) Would any of you care to see our culprit?

Cope: You caught him already!?

Off: Yes sir. And the station is nearing Kuat, so if we leave we should get there by the time it arrives.

(Turn to crowded hall on Jawa Home. **DAY 1 Jawa Home Corridor C 2:42 AM** types up. The Jedi and Official enter the scene)

Off: As you can see, all guests were sleeping or in their rooms at the time of firing. (Show guests in pajamas and sleep wear) Our criminal should be arriving at some point.

?: Hands off you cretins! Out of my way!

(Turn to a short Jawa shoving against some police)

Cop: Sorry sir. (Struggles) You can't go beyond this point!

Squishy: And why not!? I'm the owner and I demand to know what the freak you guys are doing on my vessel without my permission! (Noticing other Jedi) Oh, hey guys! What're you doing here?

Off: Let him through.

(Squishy gets through)

Sara: Did you hear the news?

Squishy: Yeah. Real, real shame it is. To think someone actually used my peace station as a weapon? Why, when I see whoever did this I'm going to mess him up so bad-

?: Hey, Squishy! My man!

(Show Steezy escorted through crowd handcuffed by the police)

All: Steezy!?

Steezy: Yeah. Real bummer. I'm going to court for massive manslaughter.

Squishy: Steezy... but why?

Steezy: Actually, I don't remember all that much.

Off: That's enough from you! It's self-denying punks like yourself that makes me glad I love to pistol whip so dang much! (Whacks Steezy in snout with pistol butt) Take him away!

(Steezy is carted off)

Steezy: Well, later dudes.

(Jedi look in shock. Squishy falls to knees, raises fists in air and yells)

Squishy: Oh captain, my CAPTAINNNNNN!

(Turn to a visitor's booth. **DAY 1 Detention Center 9:03 AM** types up. The Jedi are on one side of the glass and Steezy on the other. Squishy is on the phone)

Squishy: Look, man! You have to remember really big things like this. Don't you recall anything?

Steezy: Ummmmm... no, not really.

Squishy: How are we going to make an airtight defense if you have no good alibi other than "I was at the console when the beam fired with my claw on the button!?"

Steezy: Uhhh... bribes?

Cope: This is hopeless! Why are we here!?

Will: We have to be here. Court is in 4 hours.

Anna: And with the death of thousands, the punishment shan't look good.

Jo: Plus from what I hear, the prosecution has all the right evidence to convict him, along with 3 planets worth of witnesses.

Cope: Then why not give up and look for another lizard for a pilot!?

Squishy: Because Steezy was the first Ssi-Ruuk to be employed in our Military Peace Exchange and has been a **** good pilot and friend to boot!

Steezy: Word up, man!

Sara: Then what do we do?

Will: Just pray that the council will provide a good enough attorney and that everything falls in place from there.

Jo: Yeah right! Blowing up a planet doesn't really grant someone an awesome lawyer. And we don't have any good evidence or witnesses to testify.

Squishy: Wish I could help Steezy, but what with business trips... Graaaah, stupid economic obligations!

Steezy: It's okay, man. I got a good feeling we'll blow all them old coots right out of the house by setting the record straight.

Cope: May the Force have mercy on us all.

(Turn to High Council Chamber. **DAY 1 High Council Chamber 1:00 PM** types up. Show an occupied judge stand, a full house and the two sides on their own platforms. On the defense platform)

Jo: Where the freak is that lawyer!?

Anna: Lawyer? I thought we were gonna be the lawyers.

Cope: Because of risk of biasness such an option would be null.

Steezy: Oh man... this place is huge!

Sara: Concentrate, Steezy! You might actually remember something if you do.

Squishy: Say, who's that weirdo over there?

(Show prosecutor's platform. There is a medium-sized man with a white beard and blonde hair and dressed in a brown suit)

Will: That's the prosecutor. Hear he's pretty good with these cases. But I don't know his name.

Anna: Hush! The trial is starting.

(Everything quiets down. The judge bangs his gavel)

Judge: Court is now in session for the trial of the Galaxy versus Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk. Is the prosecution ready? State your name and reply.

?: Halifax, sir. Robert Halifax. And yes, prosecution is ready.

Jo: (Whispers) That voice sounds familiar...

Judge: Good. Defense? (Pause) Defense, are you ready?

(Cricket noises)

Squishy: Uhh... well-

(Loud door opening)

?: Hold on! I'm here already!

(Show shaggy-bearded Chris in lawyer garb walk to the defense platform carrying a case stuffed with papers)

Squishy: Chris!? You're the defense attorney!?

Chris: Yeah. Steezy is a **** fine lizard! I just can't stand around letting ingrates send him to the chair, so I'm defending him!

Anna: And exactly what do you know about law?

Chris: Not much really. But I watched more than enough CSI to know how to make the enemy turn the other cheek.

Cope: We're doomed...

Judge: Right. Defense, are you finally ready?

Chris: Yes, your honor. We're up and ready to get judicial in this house.

Judge: Um-hum. Yes. Prosecution, your opening statements.

Halifax: Yes, your honor. Ladies and gentlemen of the council, we are here today to show the wholly unadulterated crimes of the defendant in question, Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk: responsible for the destruction of a planet and many lives. This unforgivable crime was committed almost 12 hours ago aboard the space station Jawa Home. Present the map. (Map of galaxy is shown) At about 12 a.m. this morning, Jawa Home was in steady orbit around Endor and was mostly shut down for the guests' sleeping pleasure, as recorded by the station's computer. (A dot appears by Endor) Also recorded on the computer, a burst of destructive energy was fired at 12:29 a.m. on a direct course to Wayland. (A straight line goes from Endor to Wayland, where it turns red) Due to its straight course, citizens on the planets of Kuat, Corellia and Duro witnessed the beam as it sped through space. They were close enough to see it; so close, in fact, that if it got any closer then the beam would have shaved off a good chunk of planetary surfacing.

(Upset mumbling goes around the chamber)

Judge: (Bangs gavel) Order. Order! Please continue.

Halifax: Thank you. Now, the witnesses' testimonies matched one another's and it is all agreed that Wayland was officially obliterated at 12:30 a.m. And to support this information, authorities on all three planets got all the testimonies of every witness available.

Will: (Gulp!)

Judge: Yes, and may I see this list of witnesses.

Halifax: Certainly. (Pulls out small disk)

Judge: Um... maybe something a little bigger?

Halifax: You know, I've just been waiting for you to say that. (Pushes a button. The judge stand gets flooded by thousands of testimony forms)

Judge: (poking head from paper mountain) Okay, I'm convinced. Now let's clean this up and continue.

(Some minutes later)

Halifax: Back to our current discussion, authorities were immediately sent to Jawa Home to investigate. At about 1:40 a.m., police found the defendant hidden in a compartment in the control room, and was arrested on site. Since computer records showed that he was the only one in the control room at the time of firing, it'd only be reasonable to say that he did it. To further back this up, the tape I'm holding in my hand is surveillance video of the defendant performing this crime. Bring up video.

(Black & white video shows an abandoned console. Soon Steezy walks up to it. After looking side to side he stops and then pushes a button. The console brightens up a moment and then dims down. The court chamber goes into even more of an uproar)

Judge: (Banging gavel) Order! Order! I will have order you animals!

(After quieting down)

Halifax: So in conclusion, today's trial isn't about who done or why, it's about how horrible a punishment the defendant should receive.

(Cheers of approval from court)

Judge: Yes. That would seem so. However, this is a court of law and we need at least one present witness testimony.

Halifax: Understandable. Then I shall call my one and only witness: the defendant in question, Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk

Steezy: Yeah! I'm first!

Jo: I don't like where this is going...

Squishy: You said it.

(Steezy is placed before the judge)

Halifax: (Stroking beard) Now, please state your name and occupation.

Steezy: Well, my real name is in chirps and whistles, and I doubt any of you would understand it.

_Objection!_

(Turn to defense platform)

Judge: Yes, Mr. Chris?

Chris: Uhh... nothing, but I've always wanted to do that.

Judge: Well, cross-examination hasn't begun yet. So you're going to be penalized.

Chris: Hey! You coming on to me or something?

(Cope smacks head in disgust)

Halifax: Right... anyway, Steezy will just do fine. Occupation?

Steezy: Chief pilot and technician of Jawa Home. I'm also stand-in Party Chief when the boss ain't around.

Halifax: Uh-huh. Well begin your testimony, if there even is one. Heh-heh...

Squishy: Alright. Time to pay attention. Maybe he'll say something contradictory for his benefit.

("Witness Testimony" flashes on screen)

Steezy: Okay, let's see. Hmm... ugh... I was at the console when the weapon fired and my claw was on the button.

(Cope bangs head on desk along with Squishy)

Halifax: (Bowing) Thank you thank you thank you! Case closed, zippity do! Prosecution rest; no more evidence or surprise witnesses from me!

Judge: Thank you, Mr. Halifax. I must say this has got to be the most concise, quickest trial I've ever had on the subject. Would you still like to give a shot at cross-examination anyway, Defense?

Chris: I don't know, guys. The odds are pretty well-stacked against-

Squishy: We'll do it!

Anna: What? Why!?

Will: Yeah. It's pretty hopeless.

Squishy: We still have to try, darn it! I refuse to give up this easily.

Jo: Well look who the big motivator is.

Judge: Alright, Defense. Cross-examine already. Repeat yourself, Steezy.

Steezy: Okay. Hmmm... ugh... can only remember standing at the console.

_Hold It!_

(Turn to defense platform)

Squishy: That can't be the only thing you know! You were obviously doing something before that!

Chris: Hey! I'm the only one who's supposed to say that!

Steezy: Sorry, man. Don't recall.

Squishy: (Puts hand to head) This can't be right...

Cope: Face it: It's a lost cause.

Guy 1: Hey Steezy! You suck!

(Boot from audience hits Steezy in head. He then looks up brightly)

Steezy: Wait! Now I remember something!

Halifax: Hold your tongue! You must be hallucinating or making it up!

Judge: Halifax, I understand that you want to end this case quickly since you gave up your turn. But you must show respect to your opponents. Understand?

Halifax: (Grumbles) Yeah, I do.

Judge: Good. Now Steezy, format your testimony to include this new information.

Steezy: Okay. So, I was like, sitting in the boss's office at night. I was just running down the list of guests, because that's another job of mine. Then I get up to talk to someone and then complete blank.

_Hold It!_

Squishy: Do you recall what time it was before you talked to this person? And who was it?

Steezy: I managed to see the monitor's time was 12:20 a.m., but I don't know about the person.

Halifax: Exactly. That's the precise justification to all this necessary talk. We're back to the original testimony and nothing has changed.

Chris: But it doesn't make sense! He had to have done something up till 12:29, and what about that guy?

Halifax: That person could have been made up, coming from someone who couldn't remember pushing a button. Also, why are you budding in? What do you know about unimaginable genocide such as this?

Chris: Easy: I blew up 13 planets myself. (Crowd gasps) Uh, er... while under some one else's control, of course.

Halifax: (Stroking beard) Hm-hmm... still, you're in no position to be deciding what's whacked up in this matter.

Chris: Yeah, not like I'm on trial, because believe me, I'm a mean witness. You know what, screw it, I'll put myself on trial. (Leaps into witness stand) Excuse me, Steezy.

(Shoves Steezy aside)

Cope: What the freak are you doing!?

Chris: He thinks he's such a great lawyer, watch this! Uh-hum. Mr. Chris, explain what you saw at the scene. I don't know, I wasn't there. Don't kid yourself we know you're lying. I don't know what you're talking about!

Judge: Mr. Chris, I advise you to stop now!

(Cope gnaws on pens)

Chris: You know what we all came here for and that is the truth so speak of it! The truth, huh? Did I hear you right? You want the truth. Well you can't handle the truth!

Judge: Stop it now, Mr. Chris!

(Jedi whack heads against frying pans)

Chris: Cough it up now and stop lollygagging! Okay, sheesh, you don't have to be so loud. I said speak! No! I don't wanna! I want my mommy! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Judge: ENOUGH! (All goes silent. A blind Justice woman leaps into oblivion below) I have had it with you and your silliness! I am penalizing you for all your worth and rescinding your "Chance in Hell" Card!

Chris: Ahhh, I was saving that for a rainy day.

Judge: Furthermore, I am hereby banning you from attempting law ever again! Now get the **** out of these chambers!

Chris: Okay. (Picks up case and leaves)

Halifax: Thank you, your honor. He was most annoying.

Judge: Agreed. Now let's get a verdict already.

Will: This is bad. We got no lawyer.

Sara: Hey, where's Squishy?

Judge: Based on the evidence provided, testimony, and how pissed off I am, I find Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk to be- (Raises gavel)

_Wait!_

(Show stunned faces of all in attendance. Then show Squishy in the witness booth)

Jo: Squishy? What are you doing there!?

Squishy: There's something I've been hiding all this time. (Close up on face) I was on the Jawa Home when the beam was fired! And I felt something!

Steezy: Hubba-wha!?

Halifax: WHAT!?

Jedi: Wiggity-wac!?

(Uproar from audience)

Judge: Silence, all of you! Mr. Squishy, this is most highly unexpected, and right at the closing of the trial. How original!

Anna: Yeah, right. (Rolls eyes)

Judge: But why have you not spoken? Is it even relevant?

Squishy: If you allow me to testify, I just may answer the first one.

Judge: Hmm... Mr. Halifaxy, what do you say?

Halifax: (Smirks) Heh heh heh heh. Fine. Go ahead. It'll all just be added time for your friend's doomed life.

Will: Hope you know what you're doing.

Squishy: Indeed I do.

Judge: Now, Mr. Squishy, tell us what happened on the night of the incident.

Squishy: Gladly. Uh-hum. As you all know, it was believed I was on a business trip away from Jawa Home. But in truth, I made up that information so that I could stay on Jawa Home undisturbed.

_Hold it!_

Jo: Why did you do that? What were you doing that was so private?

Squishy: Well... I've been seeing someone for a while now, and I thought it would've been nice to spend some time on my vessel.

Will: Seeing someone? Whaat!?

Anna: Squishy with a girlfriend? Holy crap!

Squishy: (Blushing) I'm serious, Anna.

Sara: Then who is it?

Halifax: Yes. Do tell as who this lucky lady is. Or lucky sir; I'm not one to judge.

Squishy: Do I have to? Is it necessary?

Judge: I'm afraid so, for clarity reasons. Plus I'm also dying to know.

Squishy: Okay. You see, the person I've been going out with... (Show eager looks of everyone) is Steezy's sister, Sylvia. (Show shocked and stunned faces of everyone) Sorry, man. I didn't want you to find out this way.

(Complete silence. Then)

Guy 1: That's disgusting!

Guy 2: I'm feeling ill...

Guy 3: Cover your ears, honey!

Guy 4: It's too late!

Halifax: (Shoots up arm) Permission to vomit, your honor!

Judge: Yes... This information has left me feeling a bit uneasy. (Belch) Very well, ugh. We shall have a... a 30 minute recess to (twitch twitch) fully assess this revelation and to do our... oh god I'm not going to make it!

(Everyone rushes out of chamber. Turn to lobby where **DAY 1 Main Lobby 1:42 P.M**. types up. Show outside of bathrooms where various vomiting noises can be heard. Later show Jedi walking up to a waiting Squishy while appearing sick)

Anna: You're dating a lizard? Are you crazy!?

Squishy: Well, I love her. Very much at that. And so does she to me.

Jo: Listen Squishy, I'm all for some sweet lovin', but there's some things you just don't do. Specifically freakin' velociraptors!

Squishy: I just can't believe you people are so prejudiced against this subject. Love surpasses all boundaries, including species.

Cope: Stop talking. I'm always thinking of more sickening scenes with every word you say.

?: I'll kill that midget! I'll kill him!

(Show Steezy pulling against some bailiffs with a murderous look in his eyes)

Steezy: You backstabber! You sneak! This entire time!

Squishy: Calm down, Steezy. I've been doing nothing harmful, and I was going to tell you when you were in a better mood.

Steezy: But my sister, man! And without my say! Just get over here and I'll tear you to shreds you b***ard!

Bailiff: Calm down, sir! Stop resisting!

Steezy: Let go of me you punks! Let, me, go! (Gets dragged away forcefully)

Squishy: Yeah... Sylvia is his only sibling, plus his only family here in the core regions. She told me he was always overprotective of her.

Sara: I never knew he even had a sister. How come she wasn't here to support him?

Squishy: She thought it'd put him on edge if she were out in public, especially since no one heard of her before. So she decided to watch the trial at an apartment somewhere. (Sighs) She's not gonna be too happy about me blurting out our secret on planetary television.

Will: (Pats Squishy's head) You did it for her brother's benefit. I don't think she'll be that upset.

(Show Halifax stumbling over to them)

Halifax: (Raising finger) You sir... sicken me and this entire establishment! No matter the purpose of your testimony, I will see it that all credibility and decency is forever removed from your being! Now, I'm just going to sit down before I vomit again. (Stumbles away)

Will: Yeah, about that, what were you trying to say before... all that happened?

Squishy: You'll have to wait. I'm in no mood to repeat myself.

(Many minutes later, everyone is back in the court)

Judge: (Wiping corner of mouth with napkin) Now, with that business taken care of, we can continue. Squishy, are you ready?

Squishy: Ready and willing, your honor.

Judge: Good. Now continue from where you left off.

Squishy: Right. Anyways, while spending time on Jawa Home with my "friend", (Steezy growls viciously) I felt this strong surge of the Dark Side. It was around 12:20, because I saw the clock in our room and it left me uneasy. Then after that it lowered a bit and ended at about 12:30. I then went to the nearest private terminal to see if something happened on board, and that's where I learned of the weapon having been fired. Knowing authorities were to arrive soon, we quickly got off station without notice. Eventually authorities did arrive and we were going to attempt a secret boarding, but then the station leapt into hyperspace. It was then I gave chase, dropping Sylvia off on the nearest friendly planet and following the station's tracking device. All the while I watched the holo-vids and learned of Wayland being destroyed by Jawa Home. Eventually I caught up to Jawa Home and went on board to find out what was going on. And that's my story.

Halifax: Yes... very drawn out, filled with disgust and questionable intuition. How effective of a different testimony that is.

Squishy: But this isn't just intuition. I felt a user of the Dark Side on board that station, and I felt it in the general direction of my office and the control room.

Halifax: Yes, yes, but so what I ask you? Even if there was someone else involved in this, I don't believe feelings count as proper evidence. And with this surveillance footage, checked for authenticity, there is only one person in question, and that's the defendant.

Will: He's right. That tape's rock solid. What do we do?

Jo: Hmmm... (Thinking) If we have the tape, then I guess we just have to work with it. (Out loud) Permission to have that tape again, your honor.

Judge: Of course, though I don't see why. You can have control over its playing as well.

(Tape plays over again)

Halifax: See! Nothing's different. It's the same perpetrator.

Sara: This can't be right. If Squishy felt someone else, where are they?

Jo: There must be a contradiction somewhere.

Squishy: (Thinks) Think Squishy think! Steezy's fate is riding on this. There has to be a fault somewhere. (Looks at replay. Something catches his eye and then says) Stop the tape!

(Tape stops showing Steezy at console)

Judge: What is it, Mr. Squishy?

Squishy: Can you zoom in on the lower left corner? (Zooms in) Now can you redefine it?

Judge: Okay, but I don't see what you're getting at.

(Image is redefined, then everyone gasps and appears stunned)

Squishy: Ah ha! Right there. And I only just caught that. (Show image of an outstretched hand) A hand is pointing toward Steezy from someone off camera. So this suggests that (Slams hands down and has close-up) Steezy was being manipulated by a member of the Sith!

(There is an uproar)

Judge: (Bangs gavel) Order! Order!

Squishy: It makes sense! Steezy has no motive to destroy a planet, nor does he remember actually pushing the button.

Halifax: What!? Pre, preposterous! There has to be some mistake!

Judge: I'm afraid not. You said it yourself that it has been checked, so what you see is what you see.

Squishy: So ladies and gentlemen of this court, this footage shows that there may be an unknown party involved with this crime, and that party could be the real criminal.

Judge: Yes, quite. After all of this revealing evidence, I can't make a verdict just yet.

Halifax: But Judge! You can't!

Judge: I'm sorry, but I can't end this case with such a big question unanswered. This court is hereby adjourned and shall reconvene at 1 p.m. tomorrow so that the defense may look further into this matter. Dismissed! (Bangs gavel)

(Some time later we're back in lobby and **DAY 1 Main Lobby 2:12 PM** types up. We see the Jedi and Steezy in conversation)

Cope: Well that was pretty close.

Will: But now we have something to help out in finding the real culprit.

Anna: And that means Steezy is safe for another day. Right, Steezy?

Steezy: Yeah, whatever...

Sara: Steezy! You should be happy. And you should also thank Squishy for finding evidence in your favor. Now show the gratitude already.

Steezy: (Grumbles) Squishy... thanks for the help. Maybe when I get free from this I might be willing to forgive you for going out with my sister.

Squishy: Hey, no problem. We're family, man. (Steezy winces) Uh... not yet anyway.

(Halifax walks over to them)

Halifax: Bravo, Jedi. I must say you did a bang up job making me look the fool. However, I refuse to let this criminal walk free. Come tomorrow, he shall be found guilty and you shall be revealed for what you really are, Squishy: a perverted midget in a cloak that overuses intuition. (Storms away)

Squishy: I'm getting tired of all these midget insults.

Jo: Anyway, what are going to do for tomorrow? Any other revelations, Squishy?

Squishy: None. I'm spent on testimony.

All: What!?

Squishy: But I do have an idea. First we have to wait until night, when it's all nice and dark.

Will: Oh boy...

(Forward to night on board Jawa Home in Coruscant orbit. **DAY 2 Jawa Home 12:09 AM** types up. After some quick sneaking past some patrolmen, the Jedi reach the main office)

Anna: That was easy. Now what?

Squishy: Now we look for clues. (Goes to desk) Let's see, he was sitting down here and got up to see someone at 12:20. What proof is there of this other person?

(They look around for clues)

Sara: What about that camera in the upper corner?

Squishy: Oh! I forgot about that! It might have some photos of those times. I'll it on the monitor.

(Looks on monitor for shots of the office taken every minute. After some time)

Squishy: That's odd... all there is is Steezy at the desk, but there's a gap between 12:19 through 12:22 and then it's all empty.

Jo: Maybe that one guy took those shots.

Cope: Meaning the camera is no help.

Squishy: Yes... but there's still one thing I want to check. (Scrolls through things) A hidden feature on this station is that with every arrival of a spacecraft, a picture of it and whoever steps out of it is taken and put on a list for insurance reasons.

Anna: Insurance reasons?

Squishy: Yeah, if someone gets too violent and causes some damage we'll have definite proof they were here. Plus, never know when a little blackmail can come in handy.

Will: Nice.

Squishy: Well, it's still there. Now let's see. (Looks a bit) Huh... at about 12:10 a ship arrived. Just a two man shuttle, nothing special. After that there's nothing until the authorities arrive.

Sara: Well what about the photo? Maybe that guy's our man.

Squishy: Alright. Downloading picture now.

(They wait in anticipation as it loads. Once done they all gasp in shock)

Squishy: Well gentlemen and ladies, we have our new suspect.

Anna: Can we leave now?

Squishy: Yes. And get plenty of sleep, because I have a feeling that tomorrow it'll be all or nothing.

(Forward to the court. **DAY 2 1:00 PM** types out)

Jo: I hope this works out.

Cope: Though I doubt it I can't help but know it will somehow be different.

Sara: Way to show optimism, Alex!

(Gavel bang)

Judge: The trial of the Galaxy Versus Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk is back in session. Since the prosecution rested its case yesterday, I trust the defense is ready.

Jo: Yes indeed, your honor.

Judge: Very well. Now what have you turned up on the subject of this mystery party?

Squishy: We've only found one surprise witness. The defense would like to call... (Slams down hand and close-up) Robert Halifax!

Halifax: What!? I wasn't notified of this!

Anna: Well, duhh! Then it wouldn't be a surprise witness. Poser...

Halifax: Is this some kind of joke? Or is it just a way to buy yourself some time? (Looks slyly) Ah... I see. You're desperate. Very well, I'll play along. But be warned that your little farce will be revealed the longer I'm up there. You might as well quit now.

Cope: Whatever! Just get your butt up there already!

(After Halifax takes position)

Jo: (Whispers) Remember, Squish: Just as we rehearsed.

Squishy: (Walks to Halifax) Now, there's no point in having you state your name and occupation. Just tell us what you were doing before and after Wayland was destroyed.

Halifax: Are you serious?

Squishy: Just talk already.

Halifax: All well. It's your funeral. Anyway, on the day before this unfortunate tragedy I was on Bakura. I was simply enjoying a little vacation and observing the local culture and historical sites. At around 12:30 a.m. I stood out on the terrace of my private estate when I noticed a flash in the sky in the direction of Endor. Not too long after that I learned of the station's firing. Feeling ambitious, I decided to head out to the station before the authorities could. I got there around 1:17 and searched the area and alerted the guests before the authorities arrived. Eventually, we found that fiend Steezy in the control room, and I can assure you that there was no other person in there and that we would have known if someone else was there and if they tried to escape. And that's my testimony. What do you say to that?

Squishy: Yes... impressive... very descriptive and well-detailed. I just have one word to say to you.

Halifax: What?

_Objection!_

Halifax: Oww! God! Right in my freakin' ear! Owwww!

Squishy: You lie, my good sir! And we have proof of this! (Gets handed photo) Tell me, do you know this person?

(Halifax looks at photo of himself in a doorway)

Halifax: Where'd you get this?

Squishy: That was taken at 12:11 a.m. on the night of the incident on Jawa Home when a certain someone arrived on the hush-hush.

Halifax: So? That could be anybody disguised as me.

Jo: Then you admit someone was unaccounted for in the investigation who looked like you?

Halifax: Well... That station is huge! That person could still be hidden somewhere!

Will: I don't know. He came on a ship that wasn't there after the investigation. (Hands over a photo)

Squishy: Explain this.

Halifax: (Sees photo of a shuttle) Hey, that's my ship! It was stolen 6 months ago and I have since to find it! This imposter must have stolen it.

Cope: Don't be so sure.

Halifax: Why!?

Squishy: Because we checked in with the Bakura tourist board and found something interesting. It turns out you were there and you did leave that night, but... (Slams hands and close up) you left at 11:40 p.m., on your own personal ship!

(Uproar)

Judge: (Bangs gavel) Order! Order! How do you explain yourself, Mr. Halifax?

Halifax: (Looking nervous) Well... uh... ah! I was mistaken! That ship in the photo wasn't mine! The ship I left the planet with happened to look like my old ship which I lost some time ago, but I switched to a new similar ship after that. I was just going on a quick space cruise and returned immediately after I saw the flash, and try telling me that nobody in this galaxy flies a ship similar to mine.

Squishy: I won't, and normally I'd agree with you. But if you look closely, you can see a bumper sticker that says "My other ship is my beard" on the front.

Halifax: ...What?

Squishy: And according to the Bakura toursit board, you left on a ship with that exact bumper sticker in that exact place and that you never came back after the flash. Care to explain?

Halifax: Um... ah... (Starts wigging out) GAAAH! NOOOOOOO! (Begins yanking beard)

Cope: Then you were the person who came on board the station before the firing!

Halifax: Ur! Goo ga ba dee AHHHHH! No! NO! NO! NOOOOOO! (Bangs head repeatedly)

Squishy: Repent then! Tell the truth and begone with your wicked lies! (Halifax is sobbing)

Halifax: Okay, fine. You caught me. I was on that ship and that station but let me explain. You see, I do surprise inspections on the station, because though it was meant for peace and "love" it also had a weapons factory and I never trusted it. So I decided that night to be another one of my inspections. So I left Bakura and got there around 12:10 like you said. I thought of paying the manager a visit so I went to the office. Yet when I got there, I saw Steezy leave and go the opposite way, so I decided to follow him. I kept a good distance yet was close enough to see if he was doing anything fishy. Eventually he got to the control room and I hid outside. When I peeked in I saw Steezy at the console about to push the "Fire" button. Once I saw that word I reached out yelling and tried to stop him, but to no avail. The weapon fired and Wayland was destroyed.. Steezy then saw me and ran deeper into the room. Rather than pursue, I ran away knowing I could have stopped this. That hand in the video was mine reaching out to stop him. The reason I didn't say anything was because of the massive guilt I received for not stopping Steezy. If only I'd known I'd have stopped him in the hallway, but not everyone is a Jedi, which are the very people trying to make me the villain. I'm a human, too, and I can feel anguish for a crime I could have stopped! (Starts crying)

Judge: Yes. I understand the pain and guilt people feel for such troubling knowledge and regrets. It'd be unkind to pressure you about something you never knew.

Sara: Oh, Steezy! How could you?

Steezy: What!?

Anna: Sara! Snap out of it! Steezy didn't do it... right? (Looks to Squishy)

Squishy: (In thought) Crap! His story fits perfectly with all evidence presented. (Sees Halifax) Hold on... he just smiled. He's a liar! But I need proof. He's got everyone by their tear sacs and I can't reveal him without strong evidence! Think you Jawa think! (Sees something in Halifax's pocket) Wait! Ah-ha! Jackpot! (Uses the Force to pull out contents of pocket to him)

Halifax: Hey! That's private property! Thief!

Squishy: (Looking over items then whispering) You're dead now, Halifax. (Out loud) Ladies and gentlemen, the prosecution has been hiding crucial evidence! In my office on Jawa Home is a camera that takes a photo of it every minute. Upon personal investigation, me and my comrades discovered photos between 12:19 and 12:22 were missing, and Mr. Halifax had them with him this whole time. And on these photos is undeniable proof of who the real perpetrator is! (Shows photos that show Halifax at office door firing lightning at Steezy) So it was Robert Halifax that warped Steezy and destroyed Wayland!

(Outroar)

Halifax: (Twitching, twitching mor ethen) NAAAAA! Bar GAAAAA ER A REEEHHHHH! Ga ga bit a do bang Zoot Chi Chi Chi! Errrrrrrrrrr RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH! (His beard explodes and he collapses to floor. After a while)

Jo: Ready to tell the truth now?

Halifax: (Puts hand on booth) Y-y-yes... I do believe it's time for this charade to end... (Stands back up and is revealed as)

All: TALKER!?

Talker: Correct. I am former-Grand Mock Talker of the Fanboy Republic.

Cope: But how! You were killed!

Talker: Noooo. I was beaten within an inch of my life by that wacko assistant of mine. I was beat pretty bad and I lost consciousness. I woke up to find myself fully healed and on board an empty ship. When I looked out the front viewport, I saw the Emperor's flagship burning in Coruscant's atmosphere. It was then that I decided to lay low, later on becoming a prosecutor of the Republic and growing a beard to better hide myself. Yet I soon discovered that I had Force powers, probably from amidichlorian injection from my unknown savior. Over the years I practiced these powers until I was able to manipulate people's minds and create lightning. About a week ago, I had formed a plan that would bring me back to glory. I went to Jawa Home on the night of the incident and controlled Steezy into destroying Wayland. I also took the care to remove the photos from Squishy's camera without destroying it. Once Steezy was done I let him remember the console before him then I knocked him out. I then stuffed him in some tight space and waited for the authorities to arrive. My goal was to have Steezy convicted of mass slaughter, which would cause doubt on Squishy's operations. Soon he would be convicted of producing weapons of mass destruction, then the Jedi would fall to accusations and convictions, then I would reveal myself as the almighty b****rd who screwed over the Jedi, and by then it would already be too late to punish me. I would have finally returned to my old self.

Squishy: But why did you keep these photos instead of burning them?

Talker: Yeah. Self-confidence really screwed me there. But before you take me away, let me explain something that's been on my mind. Sometimes in my dreams, some guy in glasses would tell me what to do and what my next plan was. All this time I thought it was just me thinking that, but now I suspect it could be whoever healed me and injected me with midichlorians.

**Oh you just had to say it, didn't you, punk!**

(Bolt of lightning strikes Talker and disintegrates him. Then from above descends the Contractor wearing a white battle suit and sporting an awesome cape. He lands on an upper platform)

Cont: Why is it that you people are now mentioning my involvement? Whatever happened to "don't tell or go to Hell?"

Judge: Excuse me, but who are you exactly?

Cont: Are you daft? I'm God, you moron!

Judge: Sorry, but you seem like any ordinary person in a cape to me.

Cont: (Sighs) Fine, I'll prove it. (Pulls out glass of water) I shall now turn this glass of water... into Reggae!

(In a poof of smoke the glass is now red and yellow with dreadlocks and a Jamaican hat while spouting Rastafarian beats. The court is amazed)

Judge: Oh! Oh, great lord! Forgive me for my ignorance. For what reason have you graced us with your presence?

Cont: Finally, some recognition! Anyway, I came here to order you to have those Jedi and that lizard executed on the spot.

Judge: But your lordship, for what reason must we do this?

Cont: Should you even ask? Look at your eighteenth amendment. (Points to document hanging from wall) "If for whatever reason God himself should appear in any court of law, then all persons in attendance must obey his wishes without question."

Judge: Oh, oh ho ho ho. The whole judicial committee was so wasted the night we wrote and passed that.

Anna: Which would explain the Statute of Open Stupidity that was also passed.

Cont: Now enough chit-chat. Kill them!

(The people of the court get up and surround our heroes slowly)

Jo: Well, we can't kill them. They're just following orders from above.

Will: So I guess we just take our beatings.

?: Not so fast!

(They look in confusion then look up to see the skylight shatter and a Ssi-Ruuk loaded to the teeth with weapons spin gracefully downward)

All: Woooow...

Steezy: S-s-, Sylvia?

Squishy: Dang, girl! You sure know how to make an entrance!

(She lands on the judge's stand and fires stun bolts all over the place. Then she flips through the air again and drops weapons off for our heroes)

Jo: Alright, boys and girls! Let's get crackin'!

(They then start stunning everyone in sight as droves of people come rushing them)

Judge: Order! Order! May I please have order!

(This goes on for a while until the attackers are all in piles around the Jedi. Then)

Judge: It seems you're stunned them all. I suppose it's my turn now.

(He leaps into the air, somersaults three times and lands perfectly before them. He then pulls out his gavel which extends to make a nasty-looking javelin which he spins around)

Anna: Guess giving judges Mandalorian training wasn't such a hot idea after all...

(The judge then rushes them and they engage in a lightsaber duel. They leap around the place exchanging blows and tricks. After landing the Judge is held onto by Steezy and Sylvia, but he pulls them up into the air where he lets his legs do the talking. However he is soon brought down by a stun bolt)

Will: Boy, for an old guy he sure moves pretty quick.

(Squishy then notices the Contractor making his escape)

Squishy: Quick! After that jerk!

(The Jedi rush ahead and enter the hallway the Contractor went into. Soon they find him standing before a dead end)

Cont: Crap! Why don't they make exits for fleeing deities?

Squishy: Hold it right there, four-eyes!

(An exclamation mark pops over Contractor's head, then he turns around, jumps and yelps like a monkey)

Cope: Your days of making a mockery of the court system are over!

Cont.: Maybe so, but that doesn't mean the end of me. (Throws off cape and armor to reveal a leather undervest) Because you're all about to enter my Twisted Reality! (Pulls out an axe-shaped guitar and starts playing)

Jo: Oh god, don't tell me-

Squishy: You got it: A strum-off!

Sylvia: Squishy! Catch!

(Show Sylvia throw a guitar, which he grabs, raises to the air and lightning strikes)

Squishy: Thanks babe! Now let's get it on!

("Charge" appears on screen and then "Twisted Reality" from Gitaroo Man starts playing. Squishy plays some riffs while the Contractor is doing his own riffs. Halfway through Charge)

Cont.: I'm gonna chop you in half! It's over, G!

(As they continue, the fabric of time and space bend all over them. At the start of "Battle" they've all been sucked into a star-filled void. Then while Squishy and Contractor battle on, the battlefield hops from one planet to another with the Jedi facing the dangers of the planet in the background. The place keeps shifting locales and getting weird until "Final", when the Contractor runs off and comes tearing through on a huge speeder bike. Then the Jedi give chase and run into a wormhole. Inside Squishy gives off his riffs as they run all over the screen and reality begins flickering back on. Soon the Contractor crashes into the hallway wall and is held in the air by Squishy's riffs. After the final riff the Contractor falls and they return to the hallway, where everything's just the same except for the hole left by the speeder bike)

Squishy: Had enough already?

Cont: Ha... you're good, as expected. I'm getting rusty with that guitar, but don't think this is the last of me! Soon I shall return and have ven-day-ta on all your a**es! (Runs through hole)

(The Jedi and Ssi-Ruuk siblings return to the defense platform)

Jo: Well that was a heck of a day. Sylvia, a pleasure to finally meet you. You really saved our bacons back there. And those moves weren't bad, either.

Anna: Yeah, and what were you doing up on the roof with those guns?

Sylvia: Well, when I learned that the trial was going to go on to a second day, I decided to come by and get an overhead view of everything. As for the guns... well... From what Squishy told me, weird things usually result in a lot of mayhem for you Jedi. So I thought I'd bring some backup, just in case. It's crazy how prolific stun guns are on this planet.

Sara: Okay... but moving on, just surviving wasn't the only good thing about today. Steezy is now scot-free of blowing up Wayland!

Will:Yeah. Squishy really did good in the end by showing great hope in you, right Steezy?

Steezy: Yeah, sure, I guess.

Sylvia: Steezy! Are you really going to stay grumpy after all this? Your best friend just saved you from a death sentence, yet you're still PO'ed by my relationship with him.

Steezy: But Sylvia-

Sylvia: No buts! I came to this galaxy to see new culture, customs, and make new friends. And there was the possibility I was going to fall in love with one of these new people. Slim, but it was still there. I know you're just out to protect me since I'm your only sister, but you have to realize that I will have to make important decisions on my own. Just do me this one favor and acknowledge that I'm going to be with a man and be away from you with that man. Then remind yourself that that man happens to be your best friend, someone that you know to be totally trustworthy. Now, can you take it easy, for both our sakes?

Steezy: Errrrrr... alright. I'll chill, for the both of you. Squishy, sorry for being a butt about you and my sis, man.

Squishy: Don't worry about it. Relationships can have a shaky start, but as long as everyone is cool about it, it works out.

Jo: Don't know about you guys, this puts me in a mood for celebration. I say we go out and PARTAAY! WOOOOOOOH!

(Look around at unconscious bodies)

Sara: But what about these guys? They should come to the party, too.

Anna: But they're all unconscious lumps

(Squishy makes a sly grin)

Squishy: Heh, not for long.

Cope: Oh no...

(Show them piling the bodies into ships and carting them off to a sky restaurant. To the song "Tubthumping" they throw the bodies all over the place and dance with them as the credits roll. One by one the patrons awaken, get handed drinks and party. Soon everyone is having a good time despite bruises, bloody lips and a stupid entrance by Chris. Soon the screen goes black and the words "The End" are shown, then)

Usher: It's over! Now put your pants back on and get the **** out!

Scaly: But I'm not finished.

(Graphic noises. Squirt)

Usher: My eyes!

**The End**


	2. Episode 2

**Star Warz**

**Episode Heart:  
**

**The Courtship of Sylvia Ssi-Ruuk**

_Where were we? After the great Wayland Destruction Trial, Steezy the Ssi-Ruuk was saved in court by the Jedi, who had also unveiled and thwarted another scheme by the Contractor. Along with great relief came great surprises, as the romantic relationship between Squishy the Jawa Jedi and Sylvia, the sister of Steezy, was revealed. We now turn to our heroes, who are getting down at the after-trial party on Coruscant._

(Turn to sky restaurant at night, where the whole place is jumpin' with happy patrons. Show Chris slogging around with a lampshade on his head)

Chris: Woooo! Party! We won! USA! US-... er... I mean, Ga-la-xy! Ga-la-xy!

(Crashes onto a table. Turn to edge of party where the Jedi, Steezy and his sister are keeping cool)

Jo: Pretty good turn-out, I have to say.

Sara: Can we go outside? It's getting kinda loud in here.

Will: Sure, hun. Come on, guys.

(They go out onto restaurant walkway where things are nice and quiet)

Steezy: What a gnarly party! And all those ladies wanting to hang out and apologize. It's the rock star treatment in there for me, it's crazy!

Sylvia: I see you aren't upset over me and Squishy anymore.

Steezy: Not entirely. I can't hold a grudge against a friend, but you're still my one and only sister, so I can't take it too easy just yet.

Jo: Which reminds me... You never explained how you two hooked up, Squishy.

Squishy: Yeah... but it's kinda a long story.

Sara: Oh, please tell us! I'm dying to know how it happened.

Cope: Yes. I'd like to know what kind of fetish possessed you to do this. Is it lizards, or do you get off on sickening people?

Anna: Alex! Be more polite!

Steezy: Yeah, man. Don't go talking smack my sis!

Squishy: Settle down, everyone! If you want me to, I'll tell it. If you're okay with it, Sylvia?

Sylvia: Go ahead. I never get tired of it.

Sara: Wow... must have been real romantic for you to say that.

Will: Are you implying something, Sara?

Sara: I am not! Continue, Squishy.

Squishy: Okay. Now let's see... It must've been a few months after the fall of the Cosplayers.

(Turn back in time to an island in the middle of a sunset ocean)

_Some of my station's crew along with the Mon Calamarian government had just completed building a large island to bring in tourism. To break-in the island, a huge party was thrown on its first day of being opened to the public._

(Show partiers)

_Quarrens, Mon Calamarians, Jawas, Humans, Ssi-Ruuks, all sorts of races were there for the occasion. I even did my fair share of partying. But I got worn out pretty quick and decided to find a nice quiet spot by the beach to be alone and relax._

(Show Squishy sitting against a rock on a beach with the sunset behind him. There's a campfire and a guitar in his hands, which he lazily strums)

_Then it happened..._

(Show a Ssi-Ruuk of slender build walking down the beach and catching sight of Squishy. It then walks over to him, which finally catches his attention)

?: Say, what're you doing here all alone?

Squishy: Eh, just got tired of partying and thought I'd rest a bit.

?: Yeah, same. I just came out for a walk to see the ocean. Mind if I sit down?

Squishy: Sure, go on ahead.

(Ssi-Ruuk sits by Squishy)

?: Yeah, it's a pretty nice party, especially with my brother livening it with his DJ skills.

Squishy: Brother? You don't mean-

?: Yeah, I'm Steezy's sister. And you're his employer Squishy. I know because that guitar is a dead giveaway. He regularly tells me how much you like to play, and about how good you are with it. Oh, the name's Sylvia, by the way.

Squishy: Well nice to meet you. But gee, I never knew he had a sister.

Sylvia: No surprise. He's pretty overprotective about me, so he doesn't make it a point to mention me. Especially not around males of any race.

Squishy: Really? Heh, he doesn't strike me as that kind of person.

Sylvia: Well, this galaxy calmed him down a lot since we left Lwhekk. Some time after he went to work on your station, I asked him to let me come visit. Took a while to get him to budge, but he agreed to have me come over whenever he got time off. I get to go to other planets when I want, but I keep in touch with him to keep him relaxed. He can get... a little off-handle when he worries too much.

Squishy: Is that a fact? I'd swear you're talking about someone else, instead of chill-back Steezy.

Sylvia: There's about six other guys with varying hospital stay tenures who would've wanted it that way.

(They share a light laugh. After a pause)

Sylvia: Yeah, the sunset looks more beautiful when over the ocean. No oceans to really speak of back home, so getting to see them like this is an immense treat.

Squishy: About the same with me. Never saw a large body of water until I was barely ten years old. (Strums a chord) Sunsets are still nice, but having the waves added in makes things more tranquil, y'know?

Sylvia: Uh-huh. Say, you looking to play a song? Or is this something else you do just to relax?

Squishy: Hadn't considered to play one, to be honest. But I might do a little ditty if you want.

Sylvia: Well, by all means. I'm curious to hear the sounds that has impressed my brother.

Squishy: In that case, I'll play you one of my favorites that he's undoubtedly heard plenty before. It's a little something I play when I'm in meditation or in relaxation, since I'm a Jedi and all. I also find it to be stirring... really resonant to the core, for me at least.

Sylvia: Uh-huh. Now I'm really curious.

Squishy: Alright, here goes.

(There is some silence. Then Squishy starts playing "The Legendary Theme" acoustic version as we see the sunset and the coming of moon and stars)

Sylvia: That does sound really nice. (Yawns) And relaxing.

Squishy: Uh-huh. Never fails to do that.

Sylvia: Hmm.

(As the song nears the end, Sylvia gets more comfortable and rests close to Squishy's side. After the song, Squishy notices, but he gets comfortable as well and snuggles against the rock. The camera pans away and there is darkness)

_That tune was definitely a lullaby, because we slept there the whole night. In the morning we went our ways, but decided to keep in touch. In little time, we became friends._

Syliva: Though nothing more than that, I originally thought. He was nice enough, and fun to hang around, but that was just it at first. Sorry to cut in.

_No worries. It adds dimension._

Jo: Yeah, he's nice enough alright. In a hyper kid sort of way.

Sara: He also never dated before, or told us he did.

Anna: So definitely inexperienced in that degree.

Sylvia: It wasn't dating at first, but yeah, clumsy beginnings when it came to that.

Cope: Not to mention him being an insufferable nuisance for no discernible reason.

_Okay, enough commentary for now, alright? Getting to be a bit much there. Anyway, since Steezy would overact with even a modest friendship, Sylvia suggested we keep in touch through secret meetings and communications. As time went by, we got to know each other more and our meetings took place in nicer locales. Then some months ago, we decided to take a little visit to the space liner Coral Vanda II as it was orbiting Pantolomin. But before our arrival, something else was brewing, and it wasn't pretty..._

(Show short red skeleton bot wielding bones)

Carrot: Hands up, cabrons! This is a raid!

Guard: Carrot, not this again.

Carrot: So what, chico? Now open your vaults or I blow your balls off with my bone maracas, ese!

Guard: Whatever. You know we have a defensive measures against assaults by bands of up to five members.

Carrot: Yeah, which is why I brought an even bigger posse for this job.

(Reveal dozens and dozens of Pines and Sodas: blue and yellow skeleton bots)

Guard: Ah snap...

(Show army of robot skeletons overrunning the complex lobby and hassling everyone in the area. Eventually we see Carrot leap over the mayhem where he freezes in place and everything around him goes black)

_Carrot: head mariachi of the Sunbone Trio. He was another fusion project of the Cosplayer Consortium: though he looked exactly like the real Carrot, he had the voice and attitude of Cesar Viapando from GTA: San Andreas. After the fall of Zowio, he managed to escape destruction despite the fate of his two bandmates. He later found a metal shop somewhere and made himself some replacements, with which he used to pull off robberies around the galaxy. Of course, businesses grew wise to his schemes and thus set up defenses to take out his squad, though he still got away from every thwarted attempt. But for this heist, he procured enough materials to build an army that would overwhelm any resistance. In no time the skeletons took over most of the ship and had everyone bound up with ropes. At about that time, we had arrived and disembarked on the one section of the ship they hadn't taken over it. Needless to say, we walked right into it._

Voice: Welcome to Coral Vanda II: Jewel of the Celestial Sea. Your baggage will be loaded into the main lobby as you disembark. Have a nice stay.

Squishy: (Takes off seatbelt) Well we're here. Time to stretch these legs.

Sylvia: Same here.

(They leave the shuttle and walk down a hallway)

Squishy: Now the brochure says it has 5-star restaurants, but I'm more in a 4-star mood.

Sylvia: Does it really matter?

Squishy: On my wallet it does. Plus, I have a thing with odd numbered eateries. They're always out to get me!

Sylvia: (Laughs) Always something weird with you wherever we go, it seems.

(They continue on until they enter the main lobby, where they're immediately beset by a sea of Pines and Sodas with hostages hanging all over the place like piñatas)

Squishy: What the freak...?

(Turn to a clearing where Carrot is hassling the captive Guard)

Carrot: So you think my culture's a joke now!? You think piñatas are funny like our music, eh!? Do ya!?

Guard: I said nothing about your culture! And you got your money already, why haven't you left!?

Carrot: Change of plans, Homes. You take over a place like this, a person would never want to leave. So that's why me and my muchachos are going to make this our new base of operations, comprende?

Guard: You'll never get away with this!

Carot: Well I don't see any pigs stopping me. What do you say now you whiny b***h!?

(A Soda gestures by him) What? We got company? (Spots the two. Somersaults and lands before them) Who do we have here, boys?

Squishy: Alright, really, this is too much. Who put this up for us? Is it some sort of Cosplayer revenge, or the Contractor, or is there something missing in this brochure?

Carrot: What? Hey, ese, we ain't no two-bit entertainment! This is the real deal, stupido!

Squishy: Sure, whatever.

Sylvia: Uh, Squishy, maybe these guys are actually serious.

Squishy: Nah, but I'll play along anyways. Let me grab my guitar and we can "duel". (Walks away but is blocked by cronies)

Carrot: Where the h**l do you think you're going, little man?

Squishy: Hey. Language like that doesn't fit with an E-rated game. You're not very good at the whole role-play thing, are you?

(Carrot spins away in frustration, then punches Squishy clear across the lobby)

_Of course, I wasn't aware of his personality modifications, so that sort of outcome wasn't surprising. And certainly no less painful._

Carot: (Turning to Sylvia) So what's with the lizard?

Sylvia: I'm a Ssi-Ruuk for your information, and it would be wise not to say lizard to me again.

Carot: Oooh, a spicy señorita, eh? Hey chica, want to ride my controller? (Wiggles hip)

Sylvia: (Looks at waist) There's not much to see, really.

Carot: What!? Oh now you've done it! I wanted to spare you as my own personal scaly burro, but now you shall face my percussionist wrath. Come on, amigos! Charge up!

(Every skeleton groups up and surrounds Sylvia as "Born to be Bone" starts up)

Sylvia: Uh... what are they doing?

Guard: They're going to attack with music! Physical attacks won't work, so don't bother using your claws!

Sylvia: Then what am I supposed to do!?

Guard: Just dodge! Dodge and play!

Sylvia: What? "Play"? Are you serious!?

(Then the army unleashes their attack, which Sylvia manages to duck, sidestep and leap over every melodic projectile. At the pause in Dodge phase, Squishy leaps to her side)

Squishy: Are you alright, Sylvia?

Sylvia: No! There are skeletons attacking us!

Squishy: Ah shoot!

(The barrage continues with both Squishy and Sylvia dodging the attacks. As the Phase winds down, the group gets closer and closer. After the Phase, the bones charge up and fire, but the two tourists duck and let the shots bounce off each other, stunning several skeletons. One of the stray shots blows a hole in a nearby wall, causing an avalanche of luggage to spill out. Squishy then leaps out of the skeleton crowd with Sylvia following behind, and at the same time Force grabs his guitar from the luggage spill. He and Sylvia then land before the crowd)

Carrot: Why does that always happen when we crowd someone!?

(Squishy and the skeletons then enter "Charge". While this is happening, Sylvia goes around and frees the hostages with her claws. After Charge)

Guard: Thanks for freeing us. Now we have to get to the shops, pronto!

Sylvia: Why?

Guy: Heheh, you'll see.

(They rush off. Meanwhile, the two sides enter Battle Phase. It plays like in Gitaroo Man, only with every Pine and Soda segment there's a whole group of them doing it. Squishy handles them and puts them all out of commission. Then there are the group formations where Carrot is working with the Pines and Sodas. While all this is going down, the hostages are seen rushing into shops and grabbing assorted instruments like trumpets and guitars. After the "tower battle formation" of the Sanbones, the patrons return with their instruments and join Squishy for "Final".)

Carot: Ah man, reinforcements! Come on, hombres: let's shuffle!

(He then grabs a Pine and a Soda and has them foot shuffle away from the winning team. As they move, Squishy's focused attacks take out all clones who get in the way. Eventually there's just Carrot and his partners left standing, and with the final attack, Carrot jumps away as his partners get zapped. After the song, all the clones explode into confetti and candy)

Patron: Fiesta time! (All hostages run into the area and start partying to Latino music. Turn to a fallen Carrot, who gets up before a group of angry guests)

Carrot: Uh... heh heh... hey, compadres. Hope you didn't take the whole "blow your balls off" thing too seriously. (They converge on him) Wait! No!

(Show them pummeling him. Later he is seen wearing a woman's dress dancing in a band)

_With some hard knocks and hefty persuasion from the guests, Carrot became the lead dancer of every fiesta event on the ship, which happened to be everyday. Basically, his robbing days were over. Meanwhile, back to us..._

(Squishy walks over to Sylvia, a bit nervous)

Squishy: So... are you okay?

Sylvia: Yeah, I'm fine. Thanks for getting me out of there, and for covering us from... whatever that was.

Squishy: Uh, no problem. You handled yourself pretty well without me, though.

Sylvia: Well, I can flow pretty smoothly to the right rhythm. That's why I like going to parties, even when I don't know anyone there.

(They walk away from the festivities)

Squishy: If that's so, why are we going opposite of one right now?

Sylvia: To get a breather; that had been more than enough excitement for now.

Squishy: Huh, I guess. Not to mention everyone would be swarming us with thanks. That happens often whenever me and my friends save the day, and it can get overwhelming.

Sylvia: Hmph, I can imagine. I've heard stories, seen articles about what you and the Jedi have done. Didn't think it was a common occurrence during your down time, as well.

Squishy: You know... that kinda is how it is, now that I think about it. Sigh...

(Sylvia giggles, and the two walk silently for a moment. Then suddenly, Sylvia reaches down and picks up Squishy)

Squishy: Uhh, what are you doing?

Sylvia: You saved those people back there, and me as well. And it's supposed to be a vacation. Figured you should get something special for your trouble.

Squishy: Oh. Like what?

Sylvia: Like this. (She opens her mouth and lets out her serpentine tongue, guiding it through the hole in Squishy's hood and over his startled face. After some seconds she withdraws the tongue, and the Jawa is completely speechless... for a moment)

Squishy: ...Dang...

Sylvia: It's hard to tell where your mouth is with that hood on. Sorry if I made a mess of your face. (Puts him down)

Squishy: No, it's fine. It's just...(Puts hand up to cheek) Was that a... kiss?

Sylvia: Uhm, yeah, my best approximation of one. Ssi-Ruuk don't really "kiss" as most other species do. But I've been curious as to how to pull it off. Guess I needed actual practice beforehand?

Squishy: (Still flustered) Y-yeah, maybe. But, wow... my first kiss with a lizard... uhhh...

Sylvia: It's also my first "kiss" period. That, and the first time I've kissed a midget.

Squishy: Hey!

Sylvia: (Giggles) I say we've breaked enough. Let's head back to that party. Alright? (Winks, then walks away)

Squishy: Umm... okay. (Goes to her, but stops a moment) Wow... (Rejoins her. Screen goes black)

_And that's how our relationship became what it is._

Anna: You were right: he was clumsy.

_Oh come on! She was no better; she outright licked me._

Will: But she made the first move and got things rolling, Squish.

Jo: Yeah man, you gotta get with it.

Sylvia: Hee hee.

_Well that's exactly what I did. After that day, our get-togethers grew more personal and intimate. We talked more about ourselves, and I even gave her combat training that non-Force users could use, as you saw earlier in the council chamber. And also more affectionate things, like-_

Sylvia: Showing me how to actually kiss.

Jo: And made him a better kisser as well?

Sylvia: Gradually.

_Right. But after going about the galaxy, seeing a great many planets and becoming more comfortable with each other, we decided to get more serious. So two days ago, I made arrangements so that we could be on Jawa Home, undisturbed, as we took things to the next step..._

(Show a swanky room with hippie colors and disco lights and retro stuff all about the place. We see Squishy dancing before a resting Sylvia to the song "Can't get enough of your Love Baby". Before his delighted lady, he moves and grooves, then makes motions to take off his Jawa robes)

Cope: AAAAGGHH! Too vivid! Too vivid! Make it stop!

_Okay, okay, I will. But needless to say, it was an unforgettable experience... that got interrupted by Talker's actions aboard the station. And from there, we know how the rest went._

(Return to present)

Sara: Well that story wasn't too long.

Squishy: Yeah, but it seemed longer to me.

Jo: Have to say, Squishy, I'm impressed. Managed to get yourself a lady, all by being smooth when it counted. Just shows you can be one sexy beast when you want to.

Will: Hmm... which is maybe why you're still single.

Jo: What was that?

Sara: Yeah. You're still holding out for Squishy, aren't you?

Jo: What'd you say!? Say it to my face!

Anna: Ooooh, Jo and a Jawa sitting in a tree. Tee hee!

Jo: Why you... Get over here!

(Gives chase to Anna about the walkway)

Cope: Hey! That's my girl! Keep away! (Joins the chase. Squishy yawns)

Squishy: Ah, man. I think me and Sylvia are gonna hit the sack early. I have a feeling that when all this good time runs out, we're gonna be neck-deep in press conferences and follow-up investigations. Today didn't hide the fact my station has a doomsday weapon onboard.

Steezy: I'm sure it'll work out, man. But goodnight you two. And sis, if he harms you in any way, just say the word and I'll make a belt out of him.

Sylvia: Okay, Steezy... come on, honey.

(They leave. Turn to a bedroom somewhere sometime later, where the couple are readying for sleep)

Sylvia: So... Squishy... do you still think this is right?

Squishy: Huh? What?

Sylvia: You know... our relationship. Not to say it's bad, it's just-

Squishy: I know how discouraging their reactions were. It's unsettling to me, too. But you can't let lawyers and strangers tell you what's right and wrong. What's right for you is always in your heart... and no preconditioned Republic mindset can ever change that.

Sylvia: You're right. It was silly for me to bring that up.

Squishy: No, it's a legitimate concern, sweetie. Anyone can feel the pressure of unfavorable parties and viewpoints. Especially when it comes from their friends... well enough of that. Let's go to bed. There may be some flak to dodge tomorrow, for one thing or another.

Sylvia: Hmm. Then will it be you rescuing me, or do I have to step in again if things get too heavy?

Squishy: Heh. How bout me cooking us breakfast for starters?

Sylvia: I can live with that.

(We now see the nighttime skyline of Coruscant. A head pops up from the bottom of the screen, looks left and right, turns around and waves to someone. We see four small figures leap, shimmy and cross the various rooftops. They stop on top of one and head for a balcony door. They jimmy it open and enter. Afterwards, they stop and line up. One holds up some rope and they all nod. They then converge on a bed, containing Sylvia)

AIIEEEEE!

**To Be Continued...**


	3. Episode 3

**Star Warz**

**Episode Heartbreak:**

**Tainted Lovers**

_Last episode, we were regaled by the romantic tale of how Squishy the Jawa and Sylvia the Ssi-Ruuk became lovers. Then the happy couple went off to rest after the grand after-trial party. However, more heinous things were at work under their noses..._

AIIEEE!

_See! Like that! Oh wait..._

(Show the roof of a building where four small figures are carrying a tied-up reptilian to a nearby shuttle. They get in and lift off towards space. A Jawa arrives too late and falls to his knees)

Squishy: SYLLLLLVIIIIAAAAAAAAA!

(Turn to an X-wing hangar some time later, where Squishy is milling about as the other Jedi and Steezy hang around)

Steezy: Sylvia... I can't believe it. How could you let-

Squishy: I don't want to hear it, Steezy!

Will: What do you propose we do, man?

Squishy: "We" propose that I go alone and chase down these b****rds.

Jo: Why just you?

Squishy: She was the same bed as me, _a foot from _me, and they still managed to swipe her. I'll show them they picked the wrong Jawa to mess with: one who doesn't need his friends help to wreck someone's s*** bigtime.

Will: Yikes...

Anna: But you don't know where they went.

Squishy: Yes I do. I checked traffic control and they got that shuttle's flight plan. Like they didn't bother trying to conceal themselves

Cope: Suggesting a trap. Meaning you'll need us to help out.

Squishy: No. The only things I'll need for this vendetta are my lightsaber and my guitar, because after all the crap that's happened this year, I have to be ready for anything. (Goes back to milling about)

Cope: (Mumble) Without bothering to have some back-up...

Jo: Well... this does seem to be a lot of trouble for one Ssi-Ruuk. You know that there-

Squishy: Jo, I swear, if you say there are other lizards out there, then help me Force I'll rip you a new one!

Anna: Wow, this is real serious for you.

Squishy: D**n straight it is.

Sara: Well, we just only care about you and your safety.

Squishy: Oh... I know you mean well, but I don't want to let anyone else handle this. Again, she was right next to me. How could I just let that happen? How can I sit by, knowing that? How would I live with myself if she... (He stops, seeing their worried faces) Let me give you something. (Hands them some credits) Here. Treat yourselves to something nice while I'm gone. I should be back with Sylvia in about two days. (Climbs onto an X-wing)

Will: Why two days?

Squishy: That's how long it'll take me to get from here to the edge of the galaxy and back, which is exactly how far I will go for her. (Gets into X-wing and turns it on) Steezy, I'll bring back Sylvia, you have my word. Along with the pieces of whoever did this.

(Closes cockpit, rises up and takes off through hangar door and into space. The Jedi just stand there for a bit)

Jo: So, how about an Aerosmith concert?

Will: Yeah, I'm willing to give those guys a chance.

Steezy: Rock on, dudes!

(They leave. Turn to space where Squishy is readying for hyperspace)

Squishy: Coordinates uploaded. Cappuccino is brewing. Right, here we go.

(Zips off. All of this is seen on a monitor before a dark figure)

?: So it begins, Squishy. Heh heh heh heh... (Pushes a button) Once he leaves hyperspace, deploy Ben-K. Just to make things interesting. Mmm... yes...

(Some time later we see the X-wing re-enter normal space)

Squishy: Man what a jump; so boring. Okay, now to reorient and re-enter hyperspace and I should be right at these guys' doorstep.

(Reorients fighter. However, a long object shoots from behind a nearby asteroid and charges the X-wing. Proximity alarms go off in the cockpit)

Squishy: What the... (Looks in side mirror to see Ben-K the space shark chasing him) Ahh you got to be ****ing me! (Speeds up and bobs and weaves from the robo menace. Then a wormhole opens before them) A wormhole!? Just great; now he'll follow me! Stupid astronomical phenomenons!

(They get sucked into the hole. They then pop into a bright tunnel of flashing lights and asteroids. Then we go into Stage 4 of Gitaroo Man where the X-wing moves all over the place dodging the shark and space rocks set to a techno beat. Soon they reach the end of the tunnel and enter real space where they spiral downwards toward a green planet. All goes dark and we hear crash noises. Then we are shown a crashed X-wing on a night time field, as the robot form of Ben-K lands before it. Squishy leaps out from the cockpit and lands before the beast as reggae music starts up. When the word "Charge" appears)

Squishy: All right, I will! (Knocks down the robot and slashes it to pieces real quick, causing the music to stop abruptly. He rises up) Eh... I never really liked this song anyway. Now where the heck am I anyway? (Looks around to see hills and castle ruins. He Force grabs a device from the X-wing) Hmm... Almania, eh? How appropriately far-off. Now to find clues.

(Walks off into the distance. We see him walk past lakes, trees and fields beneath the moonlight to Far East Wanderer music. Soon he reaches a hill crest and finds a stone structure with neon lights and a space ship parking area. Among them is the getaway shuttle. Squishy nods firmly and moves on. Upon reaching the entrance, we find a huge bouncer and the sign "House of Orange Leaves". Squishy nears the door)

Bouncer: Invitation, sir? (Squishy waves hand) Right this way.

(He enters to find a bumping dance night club with flashing lights and J-pop. He walks over to a table with a suave man and hot lady and sits)

Squishy: You're the owner of this establishment, am I right?

Man: Yes, you are correct. How did you know, my friend?

Squishy: Jedi mind powers. Oh, and your arm candy is having a herpes flare-up. May want to watch yourself.

Man: ….I see. So, may I ask why you have sought me out?

Squishy: I've come looking for someone, someone criminal. Their ship is parked outside.

Man: Hmm... and what sort of criminal action did they perform?

Squishy: Kidnapping. Of a personal friend.

Man: Well, my condolences for your loss. However, we do background checks on all our patrons, and I assure you that no one here is criminal of any sort.

Squishy: Then I'll have to assume you're hiding them under someone's orders. Now you could tell me who your boss is so we can avoid any violence.

Man: But I prefer to make things difficult for those who threaten me.

Squishy: Aren't you being a bit pompous?

Man: Well call me a blatant rip-off of a movie villain, but yes: I tend to be pretty pompous at times.

(Gets stabbed by Squishy's saber)

Squishy: Well, in that case you can call me Mr. Stabby McStabber Stab.

(Whole club gasps)

Patron: He just killed the owner!

Patron 2: And such a terrible comeback.

Patron 3: Everyone raise your arms and scream wildly while rushing for the doors.

(They leave as such. Meanwhile, guards rush Squishy, and he leaps about them and cuts them down. Soon we see the hot girl at the table get up and it's shown she's wearing a school uniform skirt. Squishy turns around after facing the guards to see a large muffin connected to a chain fall from the girl's hands. She then giggles and starts swinging it around. The girl then tosses it at Squishy, who leaps and ducks and sidesteps it. At one point his saber is knocked away and he's reduced to using tables and chairs to deflect the stone-hard muffin. After a kick lands Squishy on the floor, he grabs his saber only to have the muffin chain wrap around it and snag it tight. The two stand off sweating bullets, then Squishy takes a bite out of the muffin and frees his weapon. He then leaps high in the air and spits the muffin into the girl's face, causing her to stumble back and fall backwards onto some stairs. Every step she crashes onto lights up and gives a musical chime until she falls into a fiery pit at the base of the stairs. Afterwards, there is silence. Then we hear a shuffling noise, and from a hall on the ground floor rushes out a man in a suit with a bamboo stick, eye mask and cowboy hat)

Guy: (Close up) SAKEEEE!

(Then the whole place swarms with similarly masked dudes in suits. They come from halls, doors, windows, floor panels and some even parachute in, with one crashing into the ground. Squishy then leaps to the middle of the dance floor and is instantly surrounded. He holds a steady stance as the crowd slowly converge on him and Kill Bill music starts up. He then raises his saber to his eyes and causes the crowd to step back. We see Squishy's eyes move over the light beam, then the group attacks. That's when we see the awesome fight maneuvers with the weapon chopping, head stomping, leaping and mass dismemberment. There is much yelling, sword clanging, dodging and even a segment where Squishy slowly sidesteps a spinning pie which hits a man's face and causes his head to explode. At one point some dismembered gangsters synchronize swim in a fountain and pool of blood set to classic music. As a note, there are varied weapons including swords, axes, buzz saws, nail clippers, laser-guided kazoos and even large kielbasas. When the numbers thin out, some gang member busts out some nunchaku at one end of the club and leaps through the air doing many flips. Squishy throws his saber through the man's hanging wires, causing him to flail through the air and into a stove labeled "Randomly Placed Incinerator". Soon someone knocks out the lights so only the silhouettes of the combatants can be seen. Squishy continues to pwn gangsters until shadow puppets appear. After avoiding a dog, butterfly and an octopus he chops the beast to pieces, causing a man to come out yelling and grasping a tattered hand, who Squishy then decapitates. The lights come back on and Squishy is left standing before the leader in the cowboy hat. They stand off for a bit, then the boss pulls out a ninja star and tosses it at a jukebox. The song "Can't Touch This" plays and the two fight, with the boss doing real well and looking rather bored. After being knocked against a wall, Squishy throws a knife at the jukebox, causing ballroom dance music to play. The two then grab hands and dance gracefully amidst the carnage. After a grand sweep, the boss fires an arrow at the jukebox causing "Thriller" to play, in which the two disengage and the dead gangsters come alive to partake in the song. They then go about dancing, mimicking words and exchanging blows at appropriate parts of the song. Soon Squishy throws one zombie at the jukebox, causing "She's Too Fat Polka" to play. They then start clapping and stamping to the diddy, with Squishy hopping and skipping over to a lever on the wall. After pulling the lever, a huge fat woman falls and crushes the other dancers, ending the music. Squishy then blows his fingers)

Squishy: The fat lady just sang, mother****er.

(A door opens on the upper level. He leaps up to there and enters it. After some stairs, he enters a long room with some tables, and at the other end is a disturbing sight: 4 multi-colored turtles are pinned to the wall with spears, making a bloody mess)

Squishy: What the freak..?

?: Those were the Koopa Bros. of Paper Mario fame. Of course, you would know that from their shells.

(From above falls and lands a red and white android with really long blonde hair)

Squishy: Zero!? What're you doing here!? Shouldn't you be off killing Sigma for the umpteenth time?

Zero: Normally yes, but recently I've been hired as extra protection for this place, yet now I see I failed. However, I found a new purpose in this world. I saw how you fought back there, and it impressed me. The reason you came is an important one, a serious one that demands the utmost respect and attention. You were suppose to fight those turtles, but I just knew that a warrior such as you doesn't deserve to face such clowns. So I decided that I will be your next challenge, so that your skills shall not go wasted.

Squishy: Look, I don't want to fight you. All I want to do is get my girl and get out of here, pronto.

Zero: Peh! You hope to find peace and solace after this? Warriors like us can never find rest no matter how many battles we fight, and if there is peace it's short-lived. All my life I have been saving the world and it's never enough... but for now I want to do something for myself. So please give me the honor of facing me, for you shall be my most worthy challenge since X.

Squishy: Oh, fine. I'ill fight you, only because this is one of those unavoidable circumstances.

Zero: Great! But first let me set things up. (Pushes a button in the wall. The walls and ceiling pull back some feet and some chandeliers appear)

Squishy: Oh, you got to be kidding me...

Zero: Afraid not. Now come at me!

(They then cross sabers all over the room while battling to metal-styled music. They slash and duck and perry over walls, on top of tables and in the air. Eventually Squishy hangs onto a chandelier before the metal band providing the music and fights Zero with one arm. Soon they fight atop the chandeliers and do some crazy hop maneuvers. Squishy gets knocked to the floor, then Zero does some kung-fu moves, strikes a stance and beckons Squishy to fight. They then leap at each other and slash in mid-air. Time freezes for a bit and they land away from each other. However, we see Zero's hair has been chopped really short and he shakes as he holds up loose strands of hair)

Zero: My... my locks... (Stands up solemnly and blasts the lead guitarist of the band. He turns to face Squishy) No one... and I mean NO one, never, ever slices my hair! It remains untouched in any situation!

Squishy: Whoa, calm down. Look, no offense, but I think you were better off without it. I mean, the first time I ever saw you, I honestly thought you were a girl.

Zero: (Looks really pissed) YOU DARE MOCK MY FALLEN MANE!? VERY WELL! This fight shall be final, more serious! The last duel! (Points arm cannon at band) Band! Play something serious. NOW!

(The band jumps and ready their instruments. Squishy and Zero hold out their sabers and slowly strafe each other. Then duel music from Kill Bill plays as the two hold their stances. Then they rush at each other and slash slash slash. Some more slashing and stances ensue, then after another rush Squishy stumbles from a side wound, halting the music. He hobbles into position before Zero)

Zero: (In Japanese) Had enough, Jawa?

Squishy: (Huff, huff, also in Japanese) Never... not with so much at stake...

(There is silence. In the background there is a novelty bobbing bird making clunking sounds as it bobs down and up)

Zero: (In Japanese) You have fought well. But now we need to end this for good.

Squishy: (Japanese) Agreed. This shall be the final strike, winner take all. But I warn you: I refuse to lose.

Zero: Heh, whatever.

(They ready up. After some seconds, they rush at each other and give one last slash. They stand for some time with their weapons outstretched. Then sparks appear out of Zero)

Zero: (Closes eyes and resumes Japanese) Hmm... you've done well, Jawa... thank you...

(In a flash of light he explodes. When the dust settles we see him in dozens of sparking pieces)

Squishy: (Back in English) My God! He was a robot!

Voice: Well, duhhhh! Of course he was a robot... or at least a robot copy. However you want to see it.

Squishy: Who said that? Show yourself!

Voice: Aaaaa, no. I think I'll just watch you a little more.

Squishy: Well whoever you are, this isn't funny!

Voice: Oh, but I disagree. I found that little showdown in the club to be most entertaining. And that fight with Zero? Straight up Japanese drama, practically anime-fashion!

Squishy: Listen here, I killed a lot of people to get this far. Clearly you're the one in charge, so I'm telling you now that I'm going to get back Sylvia and have your head is on a platter!

Voice: Very well. Enter the doorway and face your final foe, if you dare. But I must warn you: you may not like what you find. Wa ha ha ha ha ha ha!

(A doorway is revealed and Squishy rushes in. We see him walking through a vast, dark, empty void. He walks a bit and then stops. He then cocks his head and leaps to dodge a bolt of lightning. He then runs and rolls to avoid more bolts. He looks up to see a large floating platform in the air. He leaps onto the platform and draws his saber, only to find)

Squishy: Sylvia...?

(Lo and behold stood Sylvia, staring at him with a blank look and holding a guitar)

?: Didn't see that coming, did ya, gray nuts?

(From above descends a smaller platform holding)

Squishy: Contractor!

(Contractor looks just like he was at the end of the first episode, only he now has little devil horns and a paler complexion)

Cont: Hee hee hee hee! It's me, alright. And you want to know something? Reptilian minds are sooo easy to control.

(Show black device attached to Sylvia's temple)

Squishy: Why are you doing this!? I thought you wanted this kind of relationship to happen!

Cont.: Yes I did, back when I was more foolish. But recently I realized such a pairing isn't possible. Ever hear of the hook-up between a human and a Bothan? The Bothan faked her death so as not to hurt her lover's feelings by the cruel judgments of the galaxy. Yet I'm not going to spare you the pain, for this presents the perfect opportunity in conditioning you into what I want.

Squishy: Grrrrrr... D**n you!

Cont.: Yes. You are to fight Sylvia to the death, right here, before ALL THESE PEOPLE!

(Throws out hand and lights appear to reveal them floating over a packed stadium. In a private skybox)

Sara: Hey! Isn't that Squishy?

Cope: (Spits up soda) What! What's he doing back so soon!?

Steezy: S-sis?

Cont: Hahahaha, Yes! You shall perform guitar fisticuffs before this live planetary audience, in great visceral detail! You better ready that guitar, shrimp, cause ol' Sylvia ain't waiting.

(She raises her guitar)

Squishy: (Taking out his guitar) No... This can't be!

Cont.: But it is! Now... BATTLE!

(Drums start playing and the two battle to "Overpass". Sylvia gives off hot riffs while Squishy dodges and gives off weaker attacks. After the song)

Squishy: Sylvia! You've got to snap out of it! Try to remember!

(Readies to play)

Cont.: Ah ah ah ah ah ah! I wouldn't do that if I were you. I know how you think, and exactly what song you're going to play. Which is why I set that device on yon Sylvia's head to explode if you should play that accursed song. Just playing one wee note means bye-bye to your girl's brains.

Squishy: (Taken aback) N... n... no. That's not-

Cont: Don't believe? Then a demonstration! (Pulls out another black box) I set this to "Stairway to Heaven". (Tosses box, then whips out guitar and plays the tune, causing the box to go off in a great blast) Now how bout I play the first chord to your favorite song? (Readies to strum)

Squishy: DON'T!

Cont: (Smiles) Heh heh. Then you understand completely: there will be no easy way out of this one. You'll have to get messy with the one you love, just as you got messy with those droves of nameless thugs. Pure, raw, struggle.

Jo: That son of a b***h.

Sara: Jo, wait up!

(Jo leaps out of the skybox, but an invisible wall sends him sprawling back into it. Turn to Contractor, who has a warding finger raised in their direction)

Cont: No distractions for this event, I'm afraid. (Turns to Squishy) Now, Squishy, you have a choice: kill, or be killed. Either way, it will be a most bitter experience.

Squishy: (Retreats to self) No... How... Cruel... so... cruel and heartless... this can't be real... no... never... (Holds arms to chest and cringes)

Cont: Yes yes yes! The defining moment in my fiction: how the main character kills his beloved and becomes a resentful loner. This will no doubt make me the greatest and most respected author of serious fan fiction ever, free from the dregs of comedy once and for all! Mwahahahahaha!

(Close up to Squishy)

Cont: So what's it gonna be, hotshot: fight or die?

(Close up more)

Cont: Tick tock. Time's running out.

(Close up more. Then pull back to show Squishy lower arms and toss aside guitar with a lowered head)

Squishy: I won't do it...

Cont: You have no choice, fool! It's either you, or her.

Squishy: ...I don't believe that.

Cont: Qué?

(Squishy walks to edge of platform before the crowd. The stadium falls silent. Then)

Squishy: I could stay awake... just to hear you breathing. Smile, while you are sleeping. While you're far away and dreaming. I could spend my life in this... sweet, surrender. (Turns around) I could stay lost in this moment... forever. (Raises head) Where every moment speeeent with you is a moment I TREA-SUUUUUUURE!

(As he breaks into "I Don't Wanna Miss A Thing" the crowd cheers, raising up lighters as a back-up band provides support for his heartfelt voice)

Cont: Bah! How pathetic; like glam rock is gonna save you. Sylvia, attack this trash! (Sylvia just stands there) Are you actually falling for this? Attack! Attack!

(She still stands there. After Squishy finishes the chorus, a claw lifts from her guitar. Squishy continues to sing strongly, as lights come up and fill the air, raising crowd excitement)

Will: D***, he's really pouring his heart out there.

Anna: Cuz it's love, baby! You show him, SQUISHYYY!

(The Contractor fidgets as Squishy continues to sing into the next chorus, and Sylvia remains stoic. Once the second chorus ends, the band Aerosmith floats up on a smaller platform and makes the entire stadium go wild. Squishy stops to look at them continuing the song, and with a nod from Steven Tyler, he goes back to singing, now in stereo! Eventually, Steven Tyler throws his iconic mike stand to Squishy, who leaps up, nabs it, and lands, causing fireworks to go off and spotlights to flare as his vocals are enhanced immensely. Another of Sylvia's claws goes up. Squishy pours all his heart and energy into the final verses, until)

Squishy: Don't Wanna close My Eyyyyes! I Don't Wanna FAAAAAAAAAAALL Asleep, yeah!

Don't... Don't wanna...

(He falls to his hands and knees, bringing everything to a screeching halt. Everyone looks on with worry and concern, except Contractor, who's sporting a malicious grin)

Cont: HA! Way to choke, punk!

(Amidst the silence, choking sobs can be heard from the fallen Jawa)

Steven Tyler: Hey, you okay, little man?

Sara: Squishy...

(After a few seconds, Squishy pushes himself back up, sniffing and rubbing his face. Back on his feet, he looks right back to Sylvia, eyes glistening. He reaches out a hand)

Squishy: Please... Sylvia...

(The blinking light on the side of the black box stops, then it detaches and clatters onto the platform, along with Sylvia's guitar)

Sylvia: Oh, Squishy!

(The two dash to each other, with Squishy leaping up into a spinning embrace, causing the whole stadium to roar with ovation and many fireworks)

Cont: WHAAAAT!? Blast blast blast blast crap crap crap crap d**n d**n d**n d**n no no no no NOOOO! BULL-S***! BUUUUUULL-SH**********!

(Steven Tyler and the rest of Aerosmith nod over a job well-done. The Jedi and Steezy are also seen applauding)

Sara: Why don't you ever do something that romantic for me, Will?

Will: Huh?

(Turn back to the still hugging couple, where Squishy looks up, raises his hand and Force grabs Sylvia's guitar from the other end of the platform. He pulls back to find that she has his guitar as well)

Squishy: Huh? How'd you-

Sylvia: That's not important right now. (Pushes guitar into his arms and takes hers) We still got a show to do, right?

Squishy: (Pause then nods) Right. (He gets down onto his feet, then they turn to the stadium side by side) Okay. This next song is for all you die-hard lovers out there. (They turn to the Contractor) And it especially goes out to that a**hole of a creator of ours. This one's up yours, buddy.

Cont: (Pissed) How dare you!

(Squishy nods and the band COIL appears next to Aerosmith. The two then start playing "The Legendary Theme" rock version before the Stadium. Squishy and Sylvia both take turns alternating on playing riffs. After Charge Phase)

Cont: Amateurs! I'll show you how to really rock!

(He starts playing on his axe guitar but it falls on deaf ears. He then goes all out playing and pulling off poses, but he plays sour notes that cause mass booing)

Cont: Idiots! Don't boo me! ADORE MEEEEE!

(The duo continues their song. Upon reaching Final, they concentrate their efforts on the Contractor, who bends and quivers before the onslaught of their mighty melody. After the song, the Contractor falls to his knees)

Cont:...Curse you all... (Rises into the air and bursts into a huge firework)

(There are more ovations and cheering. The victorious couple wave to the crowd, then stop to kiss each other)

Anna: Way to go, Squishy!

Steezy: You the man dog! You the man! Wait...

(The two hold each other, and then)

Squishy: Well, we're off for a little rest, everyone. Until next time, PEACE OUT!

(The platform then blasts off into the sky)

Jo: Yeah, Squishy! Show no mercy!

Cope: Don't say that again!

(After a bit the screen turns white and we're presented with a manga picture of the prior events covered in Japanese characters. Subtitles appear)

_See, love shall always rule the day. All it takes is determination and the ability to believe in yourself, no matter the odds. Take the next leap forward to achieve and see true happiness. Also, buy Gitaroo Man NOW!_

(Several hours later, the Jedi and Steezy are lounging outside the stadium. Squishy and Sylvia casually walk up to them)

Jo: Hey, you're back.

Squishy: Yeah, we just had to rest after all that. But we've got some good news. Right, dear?

Anna: Yeah? What?

Sylvia: Well, as it turns out, it takes certain Force sensitivity to use a guitar for a weapon. That mind control device was pumping midichlorians into my bloodstream, meaning, (lifts Squishy upside down in air with wave of claw) I have Force powers, now.

Squishy: Ooooh, the Peter Parker approach. I likee!

(They kiss)

Cope: That sounds real cheap.

Will: Well trust good ol' Lucas to take the fantasy out of anything.

Sylvia: (Putting Squishy down) Also, we're getting married tomorrow!

All: Tomorrow!?

Squishy: Yep. We called up the best priest and wedding planners, and they agreed unanimously after seeing our duet.

Will: Tomorrow, huh? But won't the press-

Squishy: Ah screw the press! We'll set up battle droids to keep them off our backs if we have to! It's happening without disruption.

Steezy: No no no no! I can't stand by and let all this happen! I refuse to let my sister get married only after I learn who she's going out with! Give me a few more months and then I'll think about it.

Sylvia: Sorry, Steezy, but I've already made up my mind. Just do me a favor and bear with us just a little longer. Pretty please? In a way, it won't be much different than what we already have.

Steezy: (Silent) Oh... alright. Just so long as I'm best man.

Squishy: Of course! Now, who else is in?

Sara: Ooh! I'll send out invitations! Come on, Will! (They run off)

Jo: I'll find us the best suits this side of the planet. (Runs off)

Anna: I'll help out in making the cake! (Runs off)

Squishy: Alrighty! We'll go to bed, so see you tomorrow.

(Everyone leaves except for Cope)

Cope: I still don't agree with all of this.

Anna: Oh come on! (Pulls him aside)

(We go to the credits where we see the wedding take place in a beautiful aerial church. Everyone is there, with Chris at the buffet table, Ackbar talking it up with some politicians, the Jedi in their seats and the happy couple at the altar. Steezy is looking uncomfortable, but lightens up when Sylvia touches his shoulder after reaching the altar. Soon Jawa and Ssi-Ruuk are wed, and they're treated to the magnificently large cake. Then they run out the doors and into a waiting aircraft while everyone cheers them on. Later they are seen in bed sitting up, holding hands, looking into their eyes and then looking into the moon where we see)

**The End**

_For now, suckas! Heh heh heh!_

[Transcriber's note: Contractor is drawn with a mean-looking, slightly-angry face sticking its tongue out and flipping its middle finger toward the reader]


End file.
